I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize