only you would photoshop your dick
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Randomize
