So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize