so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
