Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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