i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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