I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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