I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Randomize