I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
