i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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