i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
