I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
