I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize