I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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