woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Randomize
