I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
