It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize