Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
