Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
