things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize