My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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