When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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