apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Randomize
