I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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