My cat gives me a boner
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
