I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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