great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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