my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
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