see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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