Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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