you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
