Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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