I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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