You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
