I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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