He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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