Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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