I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
