Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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