I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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