I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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