I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
