I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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