Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
she looked like the before picture.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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