Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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