i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
