In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I think I just sharted jello shots
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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