i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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