So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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