apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
