She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize