Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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