nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
