It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
