I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize