I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
