my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
