Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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