Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Randomize
