Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
