if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
