I love black thongs
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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