I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Randomize
