We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
